A long time ago in a city far, far away…
(Scrolling lettering:) It is a dark time for the Jews of Shushan. Jar-Jar Ahasuerus has banished his queen, Vashti, from the Galactic Core, while Darth Haman has ascended to be chief adviser to the King. He compels everyone to bow to him with the Power of the Dark Side. But there is a New Hope, as Obi-Wan Mordechai’s niece, Esther, has become queen…
Darth Haman (strutting in): All shall bow down to me! You shall know the power of the Dark Side!
DH: You! Why do you not bow down!
Mordechai: you are only a master of evil, Darth HAMAN! I control the Light side of the Force, as do all Jews of Shushan. WE will not bow to you!
DH: We shall see about that!
(Mordechai exits, Ahasuerus enters)
DH: What is your bidding, my master?
Ahasuerus (surprised): AH! You surprised me! Why do you always have to be so creepy!
DH: I’m sorry, my master, but there is the matter of a people, the Jews, that are threatening you! They must be destroyed!
KA:Rreally? Why would they want to destroy me?
DH: Because they hate you! They fear you! Because they do not understand the power of the Dark Side! Besides, getting rid of them will make us wealthy.
KA: Really? Very well, order that the Jews should be eliminated by the 14th of Adar. (Aside) I have a bad feeling about this.
DH: As you command, my Master.
(DH and A exit; Esther appears)
Queen Esther: Help me Obi-Wan Mordechai, you’re my only hope!
Mordechai: What is the matter?
QE: Darth Haman is planning to destroy all of us!
Mordechai: You must speak to the King and intervene.
QE: I’ll do it tomorrow!
(exit QE and M; Enter King A with C3PO and R2D2):
KA: I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. 3PO: recite for me the roll of history.
3PO: “And it was that Obi-Wan Mordechai, the Jew, did save the King through the power of the Force…”
KA: Really? And what did we do for this person?
3: Nothing, sire.
KA: Darth Haman, what should be done for a person the king favors?
DH: He should be paraded about and have people cry: This is what the king does for one he favors!
KA: excellent: summon Mordechai and have him paraded about, as you said.
DH: …AS YOU COMMAD, MY MASTER.
(Enter Queen Esther and Mordechai)
QE: Your Majesty, you must know something. I am a Jew, and there is one among your people who would have all of us killed.
KA: who is that?
QE: DARTH HAMAN!
DH: Wait, before you should do anything, know that I AM YOUR FATHER!
KA: Um, no you’re not.
So Darth Haman was undone, and the Jews were saved! Until Shushan II: the Search For More Money!
Yair Robinson is the rabbi at Congregation Beth Emeth in Wilmington, Del.