Waiting for a Second Date


    Dear Miriam,

    I had a great date with a guy last week.  He ended the evening by saying that we'd "definitely" get together again. That was four days ago and I haven't heard from him. What should I do?

    Waiting for a Second Date

    Dear Waiting,

    In my experience, people's questions about second dates typically focus on whether to go on them with people they don't actually like. (See this case in point from a previous column.) It's refreshing to know that you want to see this guy again and that he seemingly wants to see you as well. Enjoyable first dates seem to be hard to come by, so be proud of yourself that you're even asking this question.

    It's too soon to freak out or to read too much into not hearing from him.  If you can stand it, I would say wait until a week from today. If you still haven't heard from him, send an email asking about his week or something else innocuous.  If you've already talked on the phone or texted a couple of times, you might consider using one of those technologies instead. Whatever you do, don't write to him and say, "Why haven't you written yet?" unless you want to ensure that you won't hear from him again.

    I had the misfortune of rewatching part of "He's Just Not That Into You" last week, and despite the common trope saying, "If a guy wants to see a girl again, he'll make it happen" that runs through that movie and others like it, there are lots of potential reasons for his delay. If, and hopefully when, he does get in touch, you're going to want to feel as warm and fuzzy about him as you did at the end of your first date. If you've spent the whole interim period resenting that he hasn't gotten in touch, you're not going to be well positioned to be positive and open on the second date.

    Go about your life. If you're dating online, keep looking at potential matches. Go out with your friends. Don't dwell or sulk or over-analyze. These are not the things that make you a successful dater, so don't do them. Maybe you'll be so busy being the kind of person this guy will want to date that when he does call, you won't even hear the ring. If that happens, and you wait a couple of days to return it, that would be OK, too. But don't wait so long that you even once think to yourself, "Now he'll know what it feels like."

    If he never gets in touch, be prepared to move on without holding a grudge and with an open mind towards the next guy. Though all of this is easier said than done, it's also really worth doing.

    Be well,