Second Chance?



    Dear Miriam,

    When should you say no to a second date even if the first one was good?


    Second Chance?

    Dear Chance,

    It's rare to hear of someone looking for an excuse to turn down a second date after a good first date, but since you asked the question, I'm going to assume there's a reason you think you shouldn't be seeing this person and you're looking for some validation about following your gut. So let's start there: If your gut says you shouldn't be dating this person, I'm empowering you right now to trust that feeling.

    However, if your gut isn't up to speed, here are some reasons to say no to that second date no matter how good the first one was:

    • The person in question is married or engaged or dating someone else. Or you are.
    • The PIQ recently dated someone else in your life, or someone else in your life has confided in you about a crush on the PIQ.
    • By dating the PIQ, you feel like you're going behind someone's back and couldn't be honest with the important people in your life about where you were on the night of the date.
    • The PIQ doesn't share one of your core values or life goals. For example, if you know you want to get married and have kids but this person doesn't, long term, one of you is going to get hurt. If marrying someone Jewish is absolutely essential to you and this person isn't Jewish, then you probably shouldn't get involved. If you will never, ever own a dog and the PIQ is a serious dog lover, again, consider this a deal breaker.
    • Does the idea of a long distance relationship make you ill? Don't go out with someone who lives in another city if neither of you are in a position ever to relocate.
    • The PIQ is an ex and you're currently deluding yourself into thinking that the problems you had last time around won't be a problem this time.
    • One or both of you are currently in treatment for an addiction or serious psychological condition. Give yourself/selves time to recover before you get involved with anyone.
    • If you've decided that you're past the point in your life where you're interested in casually dating, and you know you will never, ever end up with this person long-term, then don't go any further.

    I'm sure there are plenty of things that plenty of people could add to this list, but let's go back to that gut, because if something tells you to steer clear, sometimes you don't need a better reason than that.

    Be well,