Fake News (Happy Purim!)

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DISCLAIMER: These are joke articles written by the Jewish Exponent staff in honor of the holiday.


George Costanza. Photo provided

Study: Jewish Men Most Likely to Resemble George Costanza or Newman

ANITA STIFI | JE STAFF

When a composite photo of 10,000 Jewish men was created, the resulting image appeared most like the fictional character George Costanza from Seinfeld, or perhaps fellow character Newman.

That’s according to research from the Institute to Waste Taxpayers Dollars, a bipartisan think tank in Frog Hollow, Miss.

“When we were inputting the data, we at first thought we had duplicate entries — you’ve never seen so many balding, round-faced, pudgy, 5-foot-7-inch guys in one place,” said Ella Vater, the institute’s chief researcher. “Unfortunately, not everyone looks like Andrew Garfield or James Franco.”

The study met with mixed reviews, with men generally dismissive of the results and women supportive.

“Hell yes, it’s accurate,” said Mindi Cohenstein, a public relations practitioner from Elkins Park. “I’ve been to too many MatzoBalls and Moo Sho Jews where I had to leave early because the men were about as exciting as cucumbers topped with cottage cheese.”

Aaron Steincohen, an accountant from Merion Station, begged to differ.

“I resent the implication that I look like Newman or George Constanza. Just the other day, my mom told me I look just like George Clooney,” he said with a harrumph, followed by a coughing fit he attributed to allergies. 


Notorious R.B.G. to Make Music Debut

KANYE WESTBERG | JE STAFF

Embracing the nickname she’s been given throughout her esteemed career, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg announced the upcoming release of her first ever rap album, I Dissent, with Atlantic Records.

She will make her debut under the pseudonym Notorious R.B.G.

“This is completely new to me, and I’m a little late to the game,” the 83-year-old judge admitted, “but I’m excited to try something different.”

However, it seems she used her many years of experience in the Supreme Court as inspiration for her lyrics and song titles.

The 12-track album is still in production and set for release in 2018, but you can get a taste of its sound from its tracklist, featuring titles like “Nothin’ But the Truth (So Help Me God) feat. DJ Khaled,” “Supreme” and “Roe Roe Roe v. Your Boat.”

Its title track, “I Dissent,” features lyrics like: “We tried to break the glass ceiling/ and we made a dent/ Trump sitting in the White House?/ I dissent.”

Rapper Drake, fellow M.O.T., said of Ginsburg’s venture into music, “It’s exciting to have another Jewish rapper in the game. I’m looking forward to hear what she does.”

You can preorder I Dissent on Amazon or iTunes. 


Fox Announces New Fiddler Remake Starring Seth Rogen

BUZZ FEEDSTEIN | JE STAFF

In line with the popular live remakes of Grease, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Hairspray, Fox has announced a new made-for-TV revival: Fiddler Live!

The live TV musical will air this fall, reinterpreting the classic Fiddler on the Roof with an all-star cast: Mayim Bialik as Tzeitel, Zach Braff as Motel, Rachel Bloom as Hodel, Billie Lourd as Chava, Sacha Baron Cohen as Lazar Wolf, Isla Fisher as Golde, and — making his debut leading singing role — is Seth Rogen as Tevye.

Director Ryan Murphy noted his desire to stay true to the original with some added spins: Instead of casting a yenta, Fox opted for some product placement with JDate.

Rogen will also take a blunt and modern approach to the updated role.

“When Seth shimmied and danced along to ‘If I Were a Rich Man,’ I knew he was the one,” said Murphy, “plus he already has the beard.”

In typical Rogen fashion, however, the scene in which he sings his title song will take place in a marijuana-infused daydream.

“Some traditions are meant to be broken,” Rogen said. “Since Tevye pulls around a heavy cart all day, this could be exactly what he needs to relax — medically prescribed, of course.” 


Club for Very Concerned Parents Organizes in Wynnewood

JACK CASS | JE FEATURE

The Very Concerned Parents Club has formed in Wynnewood in an attempt, organizers said, to “protect their children from the horrors of everyday life.”

Formed by parents with children at Penn Wynne Elementary School, Perelman Jewish Day School and the Torah Academy of Greater Philadelphia, the club will meet regularly to ensure that school administrators “make every potential life experience filled with sunshine, rainbows and teddy bears,” said I.M. Anutt, the club president.

“Bicycle helmets, peanut-free schools and the banning of The Three Stooges shorts from television are a good start, but we need to go further,” Anutt said. “Children are being damaged by scourges like juice boxes, athletic events where scores are kept, the rays of the sun and even the television program Barney.”

The club said it will meet with school administrators, activity organizers and sports leagues and ask that the fun be taken out of everything.

“There’s simply too much stimulation and evil in the world today,” said club vice-president Yuri Nahzen. “My 8-year-old son is distracted by so many things that he can only spend four hours a day studying for his SATs.” 


Kvetch ’n Kvell … “LOL”

Not Enough Jews Complaining

Regarding your article about teaching tolerance to children (“Teaching Tolerance to Children,” Feb. 4), I appreciate the sponsor organization’s motivations, but I wonder if they’re sending the wrong message. While some tolerance is healthy, too much of it bucks thousands of years of cultural tradition.

Do children even know the word “kvetch” anymore? Is Jewish neurosis now confined to old Woody Allen movies? It is a particular disservice to girls to teach them to be relaxed, peaceful and uncomplaining; how will they grow up to be good Jewish mothers under such circumstances?  

Are the new Jewish parents simply going to beatifically accept it when their child says he or she isn’t going to medical school? Will they simply shrug and smile when their grandchild is named Christopher? Will they blithely let their daughter go to services wearing that dreck shmatte that hasn’t seen the inside of a washer in months?

The Jewish people have been carping and complaining about everything since the beginning of time, and it has served us well. In recently uncovered texts, Jacob repeats, again and again to his boys, “Oy, this desert! Such heat, and I got sand in my shoes!”

But he persevered. In this way, he taught them — and their descendants — to resist fatuous pleasures and use the seeds of their discomfort as the motivating fire in the belly.

If the next Jewish generation just accepts everything without complaining, who’s to say what could happen? 

Mimi Schwartz-Feinberg | Plymouth Prussia


FAKE ENGAGEMENT: GOLDSTEIN-COHEN

Chaim and Mitzi Goldstein of Wynnemoney are not too pleased to announce the engagement of their daughter, Ashley Claire, to Jimmy Bob Cohen, son of DeWayne Beau and Ruby Sue Cohen of Tucchus City, Mo.

Ashley claims to be a graduate of Princeton University, but she only graduated because her father is a legacy and gave a lot of money. She pretends to work by running an online fashion boutique, where she is the only customer. Jimmy Bob is a graduate of Swamp Hollow Middle School and recently was promoted to head grease jockey at Larry’s Lube Rack and Deli in Atco, N.J.

Pretending to share in the couple’s happiness are Ashley’s sister, Ambrosia, who dislikes the groom because he’s repeatedly put the moves on her; Ashley’s brother, Blake, who thinks the groom is a jerk because he bogarted his weed stash; grandparents Sylvia and Isaac Goldstein, who wish their daughter instead was marrying a doctor or lawyer; Jimmy Bob’s sister, Crystal Meth-anne, who thinks Ashley is a stuck-up b____; and Jimmy Bob’s hound dogs, Stinker, Ladybird and Cletus.

The couple is planning a July 2017 wedding at either Dollywood or the Breakers in Newport, R.I. A divorce notice is expected in 2018. 


Be DA for a Day

PERRY MASON | JE STAFF

With the proliferation of Philadelphia district attorney candidates growing, particularly among the Jews, Mayor Jim Kenney announced that the city will hold “tryouts” for the position.

And it has streamlined the process so that anyone interested may apply.

Yes, now’s your chance to be DA for a day.

“We had no idea so many people would be interested,” said Kenney, while complaining that the corned beef sandwich he was eating wasn’t as the good as the one from the South Philadelphia deli around the corner where he grew up. “And when Seth Williams said he wouldn’t run again because it would mean taking a pay cut, it really broadened the field.

“So we feel the only fair thing is to have an open race. And for the candidates to truly understand what the job entails, we’ll let everyone have a crack at it.”

Kenney explained that each interested candidate will be made an honorary district attorney for the day. Besides spending time in court to see the justice system in action, they’ll get an opportunity to talk with Williams. He’ll likely remind them they’ll be better off doing as he says, not as he does.

Reaction was mixed among the announced Jewish candidates.

“I don’t like it,’ said Republican Peg Legg. “I had my party’s primary sewed up because everyone knows the GOP ain’t winning squat in Philly. Now I may have to run against a bunch of people who have no clue.”

“Yeah, whatever,” countered Democrat Herbert Sherbertstein. “This is all just to improve my self-esteem anyway.”

“Since nobody knows who I am anyway, I can’t complain,’’ added Democratic defense attorney Morris Ronald (Mo Ron) Krauscohen. 


Sixers Open Roster Spot to Highest Bidder

GRANTLAND RICEBERGER | JE STAFF

Joel Embiid is out. Ben Simmons is out.

So you could be in.

With the season winding down, Philadelphia 76ers owner Josh Harris, whose team has increased in value some 265 percent since he bought it from Comcast-Spectacor in 2011, is offering some lucky fan the opportunity of a lifetime.

The University of Pennsylvania Wharton School grad will open up a roster spot on his team to the highest bidder.

Informed of the bold move, Sixers coach Brett Brown was flabbergasted, then said, “Well, it’s his team. Of course, we’re used to having guys who can’t play.

“What’s one more?”

The NBA is investigating the legality of such a move.

“We’re used to seeing teams trying to circumvent the salary cap by coming up with unusual ways to pay players,” NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said. “This is the first time I’ve ever heard of a prospective player paying to be on a team. I’m checking with my rabbi to find out if he thinks it’s kosher.”

Harris has given no indication what he’ll do with the money. The league might permit such a transaction if he were to donate it to a worthy cause, such as restoration of fallen and cracked headstones at Jewish cemeteries in Philadelphia, Rochester and St. Louis in recent weeks.

According to the Sixers, anyone under the age of 40 is eligible, including women.

“We have female referees, women assistant coaches and plenty of women fans,” general manager Brian Colangelo said. “It’s about time we had a women player.

“Who knows? Maybe we’ll sign someone good enough to trade for a couple of second-round draft picks because you can never have enough assets.”

Told about the impending move, Embiid smiled broadly, before responding.

“It could be a good thing. Even if they can’t play, maybe they can at least dance with me. Just trust the process.”